


To the Stars

by Villainsaremorefun



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: M/M, Reboot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-07
Updated: 2016-07-07
Packaged: 2018-07-22 05:08:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7421170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Villainsaremorefun/pseuds/Villainsaremorefun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"To the stars and back, Pav. To the stars and back."</p>
            </blockquote>





	To the Stars

**Author's Note:**

> My thoughts are with Anton's loved ones.  
> If anyone finds this offensive, I will gladly remove it. This is just my way of marking his passing.

Pavel’s memory is fresh in his mind. He still expects to roll over in bed to see the red dawn spilt over Pavel’s youthful face, scrunched in sleep as if he had a million worries that never ceased to plague him, even in sleep but the bed is empty and cold and he's staring at the pillow where a mop of curls used to be. He still turns quickly, a quip on the tip of his tongue that he knows Pavel with laugh at, but the words quickly die in his throat and he is left alone again. He swears that if he's tired enough, his vision hazy enough, he can see him, making them breakfast as he mumbles softly to himself. He's sick of Pavel disintegrating when his mind decides it's had enough of treating him nicely.

It hasn't been long, not long at all. Bones, Scotty, Spock, Uhura, Kirk, they've all expressed condolences, they've all given him space. As much as he appreciates it, it isn't lessening the ache in his chest. He's thought about clawing the pain out, digging into his chest and drawing out his heart just so he doesn't have to feel it. 

_Please_ , he pleads, _don't make me feel it._  
He pleads that every time he goes to sleep. He doesn't want to be paralysed for what feels like days on end, watching Pavel smile at him, reach out for him, fingers barely brushing him before they're gone. It's not the coming he hates; seeing Pavel again, so close to him being real, being something he can hold, isn't a bad thing. It's the going. He hates watching, powerless, as Pavel leaves him over and over.  
He doesn't sleep. He gets out, out of the home they made together, away from all the memories. He's not completely sure where he's going, but he knows it's _away._ It's somewhere open, but there's no one in sight. It's the middle of the night. Nobody in their right mind is out at this time. He knows that's why he's there.  
He drops to his knees, face upturned. The stars are so _far_ from his place on the ground. Just like Pavel. Right there, where he's so small and vulnerable, that's where he lets himself break. He cries, he shouts, he pleads. Maybe it's a toxic cycle. He goes through all the stages of grief at once, but it feels like he's purging it all, he's taking everything bad, all the tears, all the anger, seep from him.  
He uses Pavel’s memory to lull himself.  
"I love you. I still do, even if you can't hear me. I'll always love you. To the stars, Pav. To the stars."

 

 


End file.
